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Okay, Here’s the Deal…
- While tossing and turning in bed at 3 AM on a recent Tuesday morning, I randomly wondered, “What if dad shoes had dating app profiles?”
- “Teachers always told us that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but that was definitely a stupid question!” I thought later. Still, I couldn’t shake the urge to try and answer it.
- I proceeded to spend way too much time creating ridiculously detailed profiles for 10 popular dad sneakers just to see what they would look like if a dating app for dad shoes actually existed. Thankfully, they did NOT disappoint.
Why Dad Shoes Deserve Their Own Dating App
Dating apps cater to just about every niche these days.
Wondering how to match with a workout warrior? Run, don’t walk, to Fitness Singles.
Looking to settle down with a fellow sci-fi fan? Take a trip to Trek Passions.
Dying to dedicate your life to another doomsday prepper? Set up an account on Survivalist Singles.
There’s also Dig for dog lovers. Joystick for gamers. And of course, FarmersOnly for…well, you get the point.
But what about dad shoes?
WHAT. ABOUT. DAD. SHOES?
Historically, even the best dad shoes haven’t always been shown enough love. But that’s all about to change, thanks to Dad Shoe Dates. It’s a totally real, not-at-all-fake dating app designed specifically for dad sneakers looking to find their perfect match.
(Wait, should the app have been called Perfect Match? Like, that name is, um, a perfect match for the app, right? Oh, that’s the name of a Netflix show hosted by occasional dad shoe wearer Nick Lachey? Never mind then!)
So, dad sneakers, are you ready to find your — ahem — sole mates? Swipe through 10 dating app profiles for dad shoes below.
New Balance 990, a.k.a “The Originator”
- Swipe Left If… “First is the worst, second is the best.”
- Swipe Right If… “They don’t make ‘em like they used to!”
The New Balance 990, widely considered the first dad shoe, is officially old enough to have a midlife crisis! Should we celebrate — or commiserate?
Reebok Classic Leather, a.k.a. “Old Head”
- Swipe Left If… You’ve never watched a black-and-white TV.
- Swipe Right If… You have a weekly pill organizer, a pair of “cheaters,” and Consumer Cellular.
Yes, the Reebok Classic Leather can sometimes give “Old Man Yells at Cloud” vibes. No, we aren’t going to “put him in a home” because of it. You’re still our guy, big dog.
New Balance 608, a.k.a. “The Lawnisseur”
- Swipe Left If… “Mowing the lawn” = Googling “landscaping company near me”
- Swipe Right If… You have not one, but two “Please Clean Up After Your Dog” signs in your front yard.
You could wear the New Balance 608 for more than just mowing lawns. You could also wake up tomorrow and have steel-cut oats topped with chia seeds and a green protein smoothie instead of S’mores Pop-Tarts and a tall glass of Tropicana. But why?
Skechers Energy After Burn, a.k.a. “I’m a Keeper”
- Swipe Left If… You can’t finish the sentences, “Red sky at night…” or “Red sky in the morning…”
- Swipe Right If… You own dozens of things that say, “You should have seen the one that got away.”
You didn’t really think we were going to make a bunch of dating app profiles for dad shoes without at least one proudly holding a fish, did you? The Skechers Energy After Burn came through in the clutch.
K-Swiss ST329, a.k.a. “Happy Grillmore”
- Swipe Left If… “A hot dog IS a sandwich!” is a hill you’re willing to die on.
- Swipe Right If… “Oh, now we’re cooking with gas” is your favorite phrase.
I must have had someone grill a delicious meal for me while wearing the K-Swiss ST329 at some point. My mouth starts watering like Pavlov’s dogs every time I see a person wearing a pair.
Asics GEL-Kayano 14, a.k.a. “Marathon Man”
- Swipe Left If… You hear “PB” and think “&J.”
- Swipe Right If… You hear “PB” and think “personal best.”
I didn’t expect to be doing a deep dive into why some runners put tape over their nipples before races. Thanks, Asics GEL-Kayano 14.
(Oh, and also: “do dad shoes have nipples” may or may not be in my search history now. Thanks again, Asics GEL-Kayano 14!)
Adidas Ozweego, a.k.a. “Toto’s Chew Toy”
- Swipe Left If… You’re scared of heights, flying, and/or flying monkeys.
- Swipe Right If… You’ve played “airport roulette.”
Stay tuned for the Netflix documentary about how a dating app profile for the Adidas Ozweego, which is one of my favorite dad shoes, ended up taking on a Wizard of Oz theme for some strange reason.
Just go with it for now!
Brooks Adrenaline GTS, a.k.a. “Speed Demon”
- Swipe Left If… You get motion sickness on escalators.
- Swipe Right If… You run a roller coaster-themed YouTube channel.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! (How’d I do, Brooks Adrenaline GTS?)
New Balance 992, a.k.a. “Same Ol’ G”
- Swipe Left If… You’re reading this on an Android.
- Swipe Right If… You never remove Cupertino, CA, from your iPhone’s weather app.
The “Steve Jobs New Balances” — oops, I mean the New Balance 992s — are creatures of habit. Good luck getting them to break their routine.
Nike Air Monarch IV, a.k.a. “The Ruler”
- Swipe Left If… Your only “crown” comes in a purple bag.
- Swipe Right If… You know what’s good for you.
*kneels before the Nike Air Monarch IV*
Long live the “King”!
Now, Which Other Dad Shoes Need Dating App Profiles?
When I woke up at the crack of dawn a few weeks ago and found myself wondering, “What if dad shoes had dating app profiles?” I have to admit: I didn’t anticipate that thought would turn into this.
But now that I’m here, I have another question: Which other popular dad shoes need dating app profiles?!
The New Balance 574? The Adidas Yeezy Boost 700? The Nike Zoom Vomero 5?
More Dad Shoe Dates profiles are coming to a smartphone near you soon!
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